World Breastfeeding Week

** Today, I'm revisiting a post I wrote for Baby the Great on breastfeeding last year. I never published it here on my blog, so I'm posting it here today in honor of World Breastfeeding Week. ** 

Breastfeeding. It's an act of motherhood that seems so simple, beautiful and natural ... and easy. And it is definitely a beautiful, wondrous thing!

But the truth is ... it's not for the faint of heart.

I nursed two babies and I learned so much. Every kid is so extremely different. It's such a unique experience for every mother and baby. Here are my stories.

I became a mom for the very first time in February of 2007 when my baby girl was born during an ice storm. I had read the books, seen the videos and taken the classes and I was ready for this. I was going to breastfeed, and my baby and me were going to be an unstoppable team! My husband and family were extremely supportive and we were all set. Off we went, on our lovely journey.

(Sort of.)

I knew what a perfect latch was supposed to look like, and my child was born equipped with the suction of a Dyson. It was frightening. We were trying. But we could not get it down. We could not get it together. A lactation consultant visited us briefly after delivery, but she did not stay long and by the time she left I was still feeling totally in the dark and pretty bewildered. I thought I knew what I was doing! I had no idea what I was doing.

I did not expect this part of motherhood to be such a challenge. I anticipated that this would be something that would come so naturally ... but it was so very hard. My tiny baby was figuring things out and so was I. She was a hungry little thing, but did not seem to be super excited or happy with the whole idea of nursing. It was a struggle. Also, I did not know that for some moms, breastfeeding can be painful. Like, deep down inside your chest painful. And that's what it was like for me, even with a proper latch. My chest felt like it was being stabbed with knives during milk letdown. It was so painful that I would sometimes have to look away from my sweet baby with tears streaming down my face for a few minutes until the pain eased. It was such a weird experience for me and this was not at all what I had envisioned. Along with the rush of postpartum hormones and emotions that come with lack of sleep, I felt sad, guilty and selfish. My breasts felt huge, hot and out of control. I felt enormous pressure to continue on, even though we were off to a rough start. I found myself dreading feedings because of the pain they caused. I wanted to quit. But pushed on.

Looking back, I have no idea how we made it through those first few weeks (and months) but somehow, we did. It got better. People gave me advice, I read everything I could but most of all, through trial and error I started to feel like I knew what I was doing. I knew what was best for my baby and me, and I trusted that. The pain eventually lessened. My out-of-control brand-new nursing breasts regulated themselves and things became more manageable. We found our groove. I took it all in ... breathing in the smell of my baby's hair, looking into her eyes and waiting for that little smile. I could breathe again. I began pumping and using pumped milk in bottles, and despite what I had been told, my daughter had no problem going from breast to bottle and back to breast again. It saved us. I continued nursing for nine months until baby girl decided that she had had enough of the nursing and gradually weaned herself over the course of a month. I had prepared myself to be a little bit sad when we were finally through, but to be honest, I was completely okay with it. No more guilt for this mom. I was just proud that we had made it this far. I finally realized it wasn't a contest to see how long you could breastfeed; nobody was keeping track of how many bottles she drank and I wasn't going to get in trouble. She was a healthy little girl and all was right in my world.

In 2012, I gave birth to my second February baby. A sweet little boy. And let me tell you ... this time, I was pretty apprehensive about breastfeeding. What was it going to be like this time? (The knives! The stabbing pain!) But you know how it goes. You give birth to a tiny miracle and you hold them in your arms, and boom – the worries vanished. This time, it was different. I would chalk it up to two things: 1) Each baby really is different. This kid was ready to nurse and took to it in a completely different way than my first baby.  2) I had more experience this time around. I wasn't quite as nervous or cumbersome or afraid. We just did it.

This time around, the lactation consultant came in for her visit and watched me feed my son. She just stood there for a few minutes and said, 'Good latch, your milk has come in nicely, breast tissue is moving ... Yup, you've got it! You won't be needing my help.' She left. I was shocked. But I knew she was right. We were going to be okay.

Since then, I have been relieved to find that the stabbing pains have completely gone away. My little guy has become a champion nurser and I enjoy our quiet moments together so, so much. I know these sweet times won't last forever, so I'm soaking it all in. I am currently still exclusively nursing my 14-month-old boy and plan to keep going until he's ready to stop. Whenever that is.

I love both of my breastfeeding journeys, different as they were. I'll never forget all the late nights I spent holding those tiny newborn bodies close. And as I look back, I realize how much I've changed along the way, too. When I gave birth for the first time back in 2007, I was extremely nervous about breastfeeding in public. Or even around family. Back then, I hadn't yet been embraced by the huge support system of mom-friends that I have now. I was so new to everything. I didn't know how to go about wrangling a tank top/cardigan ensemble in the middle of a busy shopping center to nurse a wailing baby. Some of these things come with time and experience, and some come from the wise words of friends who have been there.

With my first baby, I stayed hidden away. At family gatherings, I would hide in a bedroom to breastfeed. I don't think I ever nursed in public. Maybe once in a bathroom stall. One time. Otherwise, it was always at home.

I have no idea how I did that.

This time around, I was so much more comfortable. I breastfed in all sorts of public places on a two-day roadtrip to Florida. I nursed that baby up and down the coast and across six states. I nursed him on the beach, where a man who was on a walk shouted out 'Good job, momma!' as he passed by. I have breastfed at birthday parties and pool parties and camping trips. I breastfed at the state fair and at Disney World. I have breastfed in ice cream shops and theme parks and restaurants. I have breastfed in front of my parents and my husband's parents. And possibly most importantly, I breastfed sitting next to my daughter, who is now six years old. I didn't want to ever hide from her. I wanted her to see and learn that breastfeeding is a normal and wonderful thing. It's how babies eat, and it's how I fed her when she was a baby. She has had lots of interesting things to say about this, but I'm glad that she'll grow up remembering this time in our lives. After all, someday she just might want to be a momma, too.

momlove: me (and happy Mother's Day!)

In celebration of Mother's Day, I've been posting a series called momlove: guest blog posts by the best of the best. I've invited some of my very favorite blogger moms to share a little bit of their wisdom and experience here. (A huge thanks to all of my friends who contributed to this series – read their wonderful posts here.)

I'm always intrigued about what life is like for other moms. We're all equal parts weird and normal, and I think we find comfort in that. What is motherhood like ... in my world? It's quite possibly everything – and nothing – like I thought it would be. That's kind of how I remember feeling in the beginning.

It's finding out that no matter how careful you are or how much you try to keep everything under control, almost everything is out of your control.

It's realizing that no matter what time of day you finally get to sit down to have something to eat, your baby knows you are relaxing. And will start crying and will need something urgently. At that exact moment.

It's trying not to freak out while keeping things running smoothly. Goodbye to that old, spontaneous 'you' ... because now someone has to keep things in line.

It's taking the time to color in a My Little Pony coloring book when you have ten million emails and deadlines hovering over your shoulder. Hovering. While you color a picture of Rainbow Dash.

 

It's trying to teach new words to a toddler who only says dadadadadadada all day long. 

'Airplane? Truck? More? Eat? Um, Mama?'  ...   'Dada.' It's waking up at 4:00 a.m. to a screaming baby or patiently listening to your new reader (ever-so-slowly) sound out a new book. When you are oh-so-very tired. Clinging to the very edge of your cliff of tiredness. It's driving the kids home from the library when the 'ideal outing' you had in your mind turns out to be anything but.

It's pretending not to be scared when a storm rips through your neighborhood and a tree crashes down across your power lines, knocking out the electricity to your house. Acting like everything is great, even though your heart is pounding. 'Everything's fiiiiine, you guys! We'll just have a camp-out in the dark. Um, flashlights are fun, right?' ('Where are they...?')

It's taking care of sick kids around the clock while being completely down and out with the flu, with no nap in sight. For any of you.

 

It's trying to remain calm when you suddenly realize that your one-year-old probably has a peanut allergy and you have to decide what to do next. It's getting a call from the speech therapist at school after determining that your child may have some form of a stutter.

It's trying your very hardest to raise children who will be good people. To give them a good foundation and hope with all your heart that they turn to you when they reach high school and shit gets real. Like Tina Fey said: 'when the crystal meth is offered, may she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half and stick with beer.'

 

But for now, for me ... it's wiping tushies and putting on pajamas and brushing teeth and giving baths. It's reading and listening and singing. It's a whole lot of 'eat your dinner' and 'time for bed.'

It's also waking up to tiny smiling faces that somehow resemble both your husband and yourself. It's watching them grow out of all of their clothing in one season and marking another notch on the wall, an inch higher than the last. It's the laughs and the smiles and the hugs and all of the sweetness in the world, too. Because, damn ... kids are amazing, life-changing, earth-shattering little beings. I sit back and take note of how special these times are, every day. I know it will go fast and this ... right here, right now ... is an amazing time.

 

I'm not special. It's not any harder or easier or better or worse for me that it is for you. When you talk to moms, you quickly realize that every one of us has done so many of the same things. We're all different and yet so much the same. And that's pretty cool.

 

We live in an age where it's easy to feel like you have to do it all. It's hard to ask for help or lean on others, but everyone needs a break. Really. Hopefully, you can let yourself be okay with finding that balance. (And guess what? If you didn't know this already, it's totally okay.) Carve out some time for yourself and take your victory lap. Smile at those babes and know you're doing your best and it's all so worth it. Love them harder and more fiercely than you did yesterday, than you did ever before. Do your thing, momma ... do your thing. Today, I'm spending part of Mother's Day with Bo and the kids and a potential picnic. But after that? I'm meeting up with some of my best girlfriends on a patio for a beverage or two. It's our own little celebration of motherhood that has nothing to do with changing diapers or making snacks or picking up toys.

Motherhood is beautiful (and so are you.) Happy Mother's Day.

momlove: tina

In celebration of Mother's Day, I invite you to indulge in a little momlove, a series of guest blog posts by the best of the best. I've invited some of my very favorite blogger moms to share a little bit of their wisdom and experience here.

Meet my friend Tina. 

Having just returned from a short trip to Portland, I have to say the best advice I can give as a WAHM in the creative field is to take time for yourself and go discover something new. 

I'm always reluctant to travel myself, leaving my 2 1/2 year old son home with my husband. I felt a terrible guilt about taking a trip that was close to being out of our means and even guiltier for leaving my family behind. Yep, good ol' mommy guilt. Even after I landed in Portland, the guilt stayed with me. I missed them terribly. But after settling in to my hotel room and enjoying a good cup of jo' with my friend who I met down there, I was ready to discover the sites + sounds that PDX had to offer. I also had another mission while there...to reunite with my mom who I haven't seen in over 20 years. I covered a lot of ground on my trip, physically and mentally. Overall, it was one of the best trips I've had and I'm so glad I didn't let my guilt deter me from enjoying myself.

I came back a better mom, wife, creative and most importantly, a better me. It starts within us...the secret of being a good mom. We have to be alone with our own thoughts, free from those daily distractions like the sound of Nick Jr playing in the background while you hear "mommy, mommy, mommy" for the millionth time that day. We give so much of ourselves every day...every moment. It's important to replenish that so we can continue to give our children what they need and deserve and that's a happy mom. 

Yes! So good and so true. I love this and I love Tina. She is always an inspiration to me, as a friend and a mother and human being. Tina and I are Dares girls. She's talented as can be and I'm always in awe of her photography and design work. She's honest and real and since we're separated by many many miles (she lives in Alaska) I love reading what she's up to on her blog and via our sporadic 'hey, how are you doing/what's new?' emails. She is awesome and I hope we can get together for a 'taking time for yourself' getaway again soon ... the last time we hung out was in L.A. a few years ago and I'm definitely ready for more hangout time with this girl. (Mom-guilt free!) Read more about life with Tina on her blog, Life.Love.Paper.

momlove: vee

In celebration of Mother's Day this weekend, I invite you to indulge in a little momlove, a series of guest blog posts by the best of the best. I've invited some of my very favorite blogger moms to share a little bit of their wisdom and experience here.

Meet my friend Vee.

I think the best thing that I realized early on almost thirteen years ago is to accept and be confident in yourself as a mother. Motherhood is a lot more enjoyable (for me) and carefree by enjoying the process (even the mistakes) and becoming stronger with who you are daily. It will be the hardest yet most rewarding job you will ever have but it is not a fairy tale ... it's better! Do not let your perceived inabilities to be like mommy x inhibit your personal abilities of being a great mom to your child(ren). Create your own path of life with them where you lay the foundation to your life together, memories and make them your reality. In reality you are not perfect and trying to be perfect leads to self doubt. I feel this is one area in life where you can be confident without feeling guilty about it because being a mother is prideful. Children notice even the smallest detail of your character when you think they aren't aware.

Creating a home life that is truthful and a haven for them to be themselves is one thing I strive for my children.  I want them to be able to be confident in themselves and be able to make new exciting memories as well as continue my family traditions. Sometimes your reality is that you learn that your childhood was actually not that bad and you want to take those memories and you want to continue the cycle. I love that about motherhood, the circle of love, life and memories.

In reality you are never truly prepared at how fast time moves or at how fast they grow. Everyday is a marvel and everyday will not be easy or perfect.

Learn to let go and accept help when offered because even mommy needs a break sometimes. It is good for you which means it is definitely good for them, which equals harmony. 

Vee and I go way back. How far, I'm not exactly sure. We're both Dares girls, crafty comrades and mommas. We've taken some fantastic trips together, from L.A. to N.Y.C. and I consider her a dear friend. She's sweet and authentic and I love her style. Even more, I love her approach to motherhood and her words here are so completely right-on. Read more about Vee on her blog, Creative Blessing.

momlove: martha

In celebration of Mother's Day later this week, I invite you to indulge in a little momlove, a series of guest blog posts by the best of the best. I've invited some of my very favorite blogger moms to share a little bit of their wisdom and experience here.

Meet my friend Martha.

Sometimes you become a mother the traditional way, and sometimes you fly halfway around the world to meet your 3.5 year old daughter in a small, cold civil affairs office after only having “met” her through 3 small pictures and a brief medical/personality profile 6 months earlier.

I spent those 6 months gazing at those 3 pictures more times than I can count looking for any clues as to what her personality would be like. Standing there bundled up with her Minnie Mouse ears he looked shy and scared…I am shy by nature and I know how isolating that can be so I vowed that I would help her break through that. I wanted her to be self confident and fearless, neither of which were qualities I was in abundance of, but for her I would find a way to ensure that she didn’t grow up with those same self doubts that I did.  

Little did I know, but this strong little girl already possessed everything I thought I would have to teach her.  She was already fearless.  She walked out of that civil affairs office willingly and without shedding a tear.  She looks at pictures from that day and tells me how scared she was but somehow she knew everything would be o.k. as she faced her new life. In just a few days we saw her personality unfold and she was funny, and self confident, and self assured. Despite living the first 3.5 years of her life in a hard place, she did not let it define her. Why was I dwelling on the past and letting it define me for so long when she was able to leave that behind her and move on so quickly?  Less than a week after leaving the only home she had known, taking her first plane ride and staying in her second hotel she was a giggly, happy little girl.

  

The most surprising thing to me on this journey so far has been that everything I thought I would have to work on with her, she has unknowingly worked on with me. I am not going to lie and tell you that becoming a mom for the first time at 43 to a 3.5 year old is easy, but in all honesty I have never felt more self confident than I do as her mom. I look at her and see how far we have come and I have this overwhelming sense that there isn’t anything we cannot accomplish. She pushes me (way) out of my comfort zone sometimes, it’s hard to be shy when she has you singing and dancing to Yo Gabba or has you engaging in conversation with a stranger because she has said hello and and wants to see their baby. Before she came home I can count on 1 hand how many pictures of myself I have from the past few years, but knowing that for 3.5 years there are only 4 pictures of her that exist and that none of them are with a family member I get over the fact that I don’t feel comfortable having my picture taken because she has a mom and she needs documentation of that and of us together.

 

Maybe I am trying hard to compensate for only having those 3 pictures by taking so many pictures of her now.  Maybe I am trying to make up for the fact that my heart breaks when she asks “where are my baby pictures”. Maybe it is because my heart swells, I get goosebumps and tears well in my eyes on most days when I look at her and I just want her to look back and see the same beauty I see in her.  Oh and maybe it’s because she’s cute, so darn cute and I am so proud to be her mommy.

Martha is one of my favorite moms in the world. Not to pick favorites, but ... she's pretty fantastic. I love her heart. We became online crafty friends years ago, and got the change to meet up in real life on a few separate occasions. The last time we hung out in Chicago, she told me that she was going to begin the process of adopting the beautiful girl you see here. This was long before Martha had ever seen a photo of this little girl, before she knew where she was from or what her name was. Since then, I've followed along with them as they found their way through their beautiful journey. A journey that began with a whole lot of waiting/hoping/wishing right here in the midwest which built up to an amazing adventure through Beijing, Xi'an, Guangzhou and Hong Kong China to bring their daughter home. Their daughter ... who I have watched from afar transform into a super smiley kid, bursting with energy, personality and pure gorgeousness. You see the love in her eyes and the love she shows is the love she gets. (That's Martha.) If you want to see a beautiful (tear-jerking, but in a happy way) video of Frances' journey home, click here. It's amazing. Watch. And to read more about life at home with Martha + family, check out her blog, Mugsyboo.